Riley

I’m sitting in my backyard, watching Ben and Amelia play in the sprinkler. They fill up my heart. 

Today is Riley’s 16th birthday. I’m going to go on a little journey with y’all back to about a year ago. My prayer is that it will encourage some of you like it did me. I used to blog all the time and I haven’t done it in years, but today felt like a good day to start back up. 

Last year Riley was still living with us 50% of the time, and for her birthday we sent her on a girls retreat with First Baptist. I remember her coming back home and being absolutely giddy. She had a wonderful week in Glorieta, and she was absolutely filled with joy. 

I will honestly say it was the last time I saw her truly happy. 

My dad had a stroke last year. It was a bad one. I really thought we were going to lose him.   He had a watchman on his heart, but somehow a clot formed outside the watchman. They gave him blood thinners and those made him bleed in his brain. Every cardiologist and neurologist at the hospital in Houston said they’d never seen anything like it. That’ll humble you quickly. I drove by myself to Houston to stay with him for a while, thinking it absolutely could easily be the last time I saw him.

The night I arrived, I went to the hospital and sat with him for a couple of hours. It was a long emotional day. 

John called me from home and told me Riley announced that day she wanted to move in full time with her mom. 

The last year has been devastating. 

Step parenting is something I’m not sure anything can prepare you for. I’ve learned a lot though, so I’m going to share some of the journey we’ve had. 

I still have a long way to go, but I feel like I’ve grown so much in the last year. 

God is good like that. Even when we least deserve it, He showers us with His mercy and grace. Honestly I’ve felt far away from Him lately. I’m in a wilderness, you know what I mean? But looking back I see His fingerprints all over the map of my life. His provision, His protection, His faithfulness. Always. Even when I stray. It’s always there. 

Anyway, shortly after moving out of our house, Riley started dating a boy. She became pregnant several months ago and subsequently had a miscarriage. It was truly one of those situations where I have had that dichotomy of “I saw this coming” and “how could this happen.” 

It’s been emotional. It’s been hurtful. I’ve been angry, sad, furious, lonely, and every gamut of emotions I could have ever imagined. 

Here’s a little summary of some of the things I’ve learned and am still learning. Maybe some of them will ring true to you. 

I thought if I took my kids to church enough, had them in Christian school, and did extra things with them teaching them about things like purity they would certainly see the benefit and choose to live that way. I was wrong. And it was absolutely my pride making me think that. I wanted to feel at the end of the day like I’d come along and taught them so well they’d never want anything different. That’s me being totally honest. It was coming from a place of love and wanting what’s best for them, but it was also coming from a place of pride and control. God swiftly reminded me I am in control of nothing.

I thought if I could give enough and invest enough and simply be enough my kids and step kids would naturally be interested in returning that and strive to behave a certain way. God gradually reminded me that we all have free will and we all make choices that break His heart, myself included. 

I thought when all this unfolded that I’d failed miserably and, unfortunately, there were a few critics (who REALLY should have been some of our biggest support during that time) who had no problem making sure I knew I’d failed. God mercifully reminded me that He isn’t finished with any of this yet, and Satan is the accuser (Revelation 12:10). There is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus (Romans 8:1). Who’s voice am I listening to? All too often it’s the accuser. 

I’m still tempted often to think that this is it, Riley’s life is ruined, and she will perpetually live in a state of rebellion. God continues to remind me that His word will not return void (Isaiah 55:11). 

Y’all, life is hard. Sometimes we lose. But my God counts every tear. He will continue to love., continue to forgive, continue to restore. His mercies are new every morning. 

I know so many of my friends are hurting. Sickness, loneliness, divorce, pain, death, depression and so many other things are plaguing so many of you who are reading this. I know because I’ve watched you walking through it. I want you to know you’re loved. God has a plan for you and a purpose He created for you to fulfill. Our broken world is full of pain and it’s just sad sometimes. But He overcame the world. 

I love you all and am always here if you need me. I hope this story will help someone remember how much you’re loved, how good God is, and how there’s always room for restoration when He is involved. 

❤️